nicolasspencer's Xanga

My Life Never Fails to be Complex

Tue, 26 May 2009 15:21:25 GMT

So I know that I haven't written anything in a very long time but ... well, I've been busy. Very busy. Crazy busy.

Once again, I decided that I would stay away from lonely and annoying Parker to go to Clarion for a few days to take care of a few things here and there. Mostly medical stuff and to see some of my last batch of Clarion friends off since they were graduating.

Stayed with a girl that had a boyfriend but she got sent away to Rehab and while she was at rehab he was dicking every piece of ass in Clarion. She escaped from Rehab ( yes, she ran away from ReHab ) just to see him since she thought he was loyal and everything. And me being the bastard I am ... I wanted to leave evidence behind that he had girls in her room. Left behind clothes that I stole and left in certain areas.

She came back and she still wanted to be with the douche. Something about a new beginning. Well, then I was stupid and tried to aid in her escape by suggesting she stay elsewhere until her ride could come and get her.

Well she got caught like I thought she would and she got sent to jail. Jimmy ( her boyfriend ) went back to doing Clarion and bad mouthing me. Yes, I wanted to beat this douche.

Well, eventually I confronted him about using the N-word in reference to me. He ran away scared. Came back later to get his shit and left to move in with his new girlfriend.

All this while, I've been realizing that I've been hostile to all of the people that came to visit Elliot aka Easy E or just Easy ( more or less my new roommate while I'm babysitting Emily's house who is also close friend of Emily ). But that is kind of fine with me because whenever I try to be nice, I get discarded so ... yeah, I'd rather push everyone away then be ignored or cast aside.

However, I've been talking to this girl from MySpace. Her name is Amanda ( like the name doesn't haunt me enough )

We've been talking and talking to her kind of keeps me sane. Helps me feel a little less alone.

Also with the arguer issues I've been having. I've been seeing a counselor at the Mental Health Clinic a few blocks from Em's place. It has been ... going. It has been helping more than hurting I guess. I like it. I have a Black 80 year old lady whom I think is afraid of me. lol It is kind of funny in a way ... but that is just my evil side talking now.

Anyways, I went to see Emily in jail and told me that she wanted to go out with me when she got out.

...
...
...

I told her that I'd had to think about it.

Two days later I found out Jess, a girl that I was talking on Tagged, lived closer then I thought so we hooked up and became an item for like 4 days until she thought something was weird about me and dumped me. Told me to move on. Took me 2 days. I'm getting better with the moving on stages.

I'm getting colder. It helps beat the heat.

So I've been dealing with a few other things since then. Elliot has a girl that he doesn't like but she loves him. She hangs around all the time and she is stupid for liking Easy when he is just using her for a piece of ass. But hey, who am I to tell someone that they are stupid ... well, never mind that. I did tell her that. Then she got drunk and got me drunk and she saw my piece.

Yes ... my piece. You know what I mean. Don't make me say it.

Anyways, since the, my coldness has got more intense and it seems to focus on Meghan and her friend Heidi who is a complete C-word to me. Well, I guess my attitude got too much for Heidi and she called me the N-Word and I smiled at her. I mean, I think it was different because my behavior is now deserving of the name where prior to now, I was the nicest mother fucker known to mankind. So that was a monumental event for me.

A few hours later, her friend Meghan sends me a text saying that she wanted to hook up. Obviously it wasn’t true so in a few hours, she said ‘forget about it’.

Well that is it for now. I have other places to go run to. More later. Promise. Because you guys and gals deserve it.

Cheating Jimmy

Wed, 06 May 2009 23:41:50 GMT

I hate freaking Jimmy. Not sure if it is much of a shocker to you readers but I have a thing fo Emily and I gracefully backed down when she choose Jimmy yo be her boyfriend. Hell, I even befriended the guy.

But Emily has been bad and had to go to rehab for to weeks since last Friday. Jimmy left with her but he went home and come back Sunday ( as you read in the previous entry ) and was honry as a mofo ( as you also read in the previous entry.

Well, on Monday, I manage to get myself busy and when I come back, he is talking about this other girl. I'm thinking it is just another friend and that I shouldn't care because I had other things to worry about.

But yesterday, he had this girl over and yes, he banged the shit out of her. I didn't know who she was at first but after 5 hours of just hanging the fuck around the apartment and getting in the way of the TV, she goes "You don't remember me, do you?"

By this time, I am pissed as because Jimmy is cheating on Emily with this chick and I was sexually deprived myself so that a double bad for me. So I gave an uninterested "Nope" as I worked on getting my game to work for me, since it was probably the only thing working for me at the moment.

She goes, "It's me, Danielle".

"That's nice," I coldy replied.

"Nips!" she exclaimed and with that, memories of Trey and his stoner friends flushed through my head. I remembered her all of a sudden and I was even more pissed. She's been here for hours and said shit and now she wants to reveal her identity? WTF. So that on top of everything kind of had me pissed. So I still didn't care.

"Congrats" was my response.

When they left to take her home, I went into Emily's room to get a blanket least suspected to be covered in discharge and cum when I found a note from Emily asking Jimmy to not cheat. I laughed at the thought. There was a word for it but it escaped me.

Anyways, I figured that I should get some leverage for later so she came back today and I took a picture. :) Black mail material for later.

[forgot my cord to my camera so the cheating photoes have to wait another day]

But when I took the picture, I thought to myself that Jimmy is a side of me that I hate seeing. The cheater. The slacker. The guy that doesn't do anything and that cheats to get what he wants. For a moment, I hated myself so badly.

Currently, I still do. So I tried to bring him cheating on Emily into a conversation with him. He said that he likes Emily and all but she has an apartment and the other girls that he likes don't. She basically he is only with her for a place to stay. Personal jab at my history. I hated myself even more because it was starting to look more and more like my relationship with Chasity ... minus me cheating as often as Jimmy.

And he told me that he was a dad three times. This kid is 19! Now he just made me sick to even be around him because he acts like he doesn't have a fucking care in the world and here he is a father of three different kids to three different women. Jimmy became scum in my eyes.

But now here is the problem. If I tell Emily, I probably still won't have a chance and she might even throw me out. Emily isn't the most reasonable person. I have to look out for my own ass here. I don't want to be put out on my just because she hates ALL men.

So there is a part of me that wants to let this shit ride for a while until I get everything in Clarion done and go back to Parker and think of a way for her to find out on her own that Jimmy is cheating so it doesn't look like I hid anything or that I had anything to do with it.

Damn, why is everything I do or everything I am involved with so complex and complicated. Alright this is a rare time but I want to hear what you guys and gals have to say about this? Obviously I want to tell her and have Jame's ass on the street ASAP but the blowback might damage me big time. :( Rock and potential hard place.

The Return of the Other Kayla

Mon, 04 May 2009 02:22:00 GMT

So on this Sunday, a random number texted my phone. And guess who was so mad at the world that he started deleting contacts of people he didn't hear from or whom haven't been all that enthusiatic about texting back or talking back to him? Yes, that would me. So this number texted me and as usual, I try to play it off as if I knew who it was. Playing the right question to find out the true identity of the person on the other end. It took me a good half an hour for it to click that it was Kayla.

No! Not that one from Friday. This is the Kayla that kept ditching me and whatever. So you can imagine my conflict of emotions. I really disliked her ( as you can see here ) for ditching me multiple times. But I was still attracted to her and I was only about 87% sure that it was her but that wasn't good enough so I continued to talk to her with the assumption that the possibility of it not being her could very well be possible.

Eventually, somehow, the txting back and forth got her feeling bad and she came. That's right. The nights of me getting dressed up meant nothing. Oh no! It was today that she picked to come down. So I stopped playing games and started cleaning like it meant something.

She came in 2 hours ( it is a 2 hours drive ... whoa, right? ) and we started watching Seven Pounds and to tell you the truth, if Will Smith wasn't in the movie, it would have sucked hard core. The fact that he was in it just made it suck ... normal core. So obviously after gathering that the movie was going to suck, I started dicking around. Poking and teasing and flirting with her and everything. It was cute. I even got her to cuddle until my stomach started bitching that it wanted food. Damn. My organs are like kids.

Anyways, fucking Jimmy, Emily's boyfriend came into the room horny like a motherfucker and not afraid to let everyone know. Eventually, she realized that the movie sucked and I proceeded to show her the balcony to the apartment. We went out and obviously Jimmy had to get in the middle because of his horny self wanted to get to Kayla and to tell you the truth I wanted her more. It was competition between Jimmy and me and the prize was Kayla.

And then after a while Easy ( one of Emily's friends ) came into the apartment and ... well, I just got exhausted from handling two idiots and a girl. So I suggested we go inside and play Guitar Hero. It was okay and Jimmy seemed to give up.

However, on the way out. I got no kiss. Not even on the cheek. I got a hug. Damn. That is last place in male land! :( She said that she'll come back but who knows when that'll be. But I think I am chasing an old and broken egg. Maybe I should shift my attention back away from her and worry about other things.

FML: The Last of Kayla Simpson

Fri, 01 May 2009 22:02:00 GMT

So while in Clarion, Kayla said that she wanted to meet up and hang out. Well, every time we come together, we end up having sex. I hate it. More or less, even though I try to make our relationship very much on the friendship level, she manages to let my male side overcome and I'll disappointed in myself for having such a weak male side.

This is Kayla Simpson. Remember her?

Anyways, last Friday, Kayla's mom offered me a bed for the apartment I am currently staying at and I took it. That morning, Kayla's father brought it over ... almost not surprisingly with Kayla. She said that she wanted to spend some time with me and it happens that my roommates were gone and I agreed since I figured some company is better than no company.

But as predicted, before long, we ended up having sex ... :(. Don't get me wrong, I do not mind sex. In matter of fact, I enjoy sex. I just hate it when I don't want it and she is so damn persistent about it that I cave in.

Well, luckily for me, her family didn't take much to the idea of her staying over and she decided to leave for a few hours and to tell you the truth, I had no argument about that. She quickly gets on the annoying side after the intimancy. ( Yes, I said intimacy. even if i do not want to have it, I do try to put as much love and heart into it. sex is an art believe it or not. )

Well, I went about my day as originally planned. I went and got a shit load of DVDs and I came back with the purest of intents to watch them all. Getting the DVDs were an ordeal and a half and I really wanted to enjoy the fruit of my labor.

But not a second later that the movie actually started, I got text messages that she was coming over and dread filled my body. She never lets me watch movies. She talks ... but not to the movie like V with her 'she's fucking ugly' crap. No, no, no. She talks to me and ask me questions like:

= So do you like me?
= Why don't you want to be my boyfriend?
= Can we snuggle?
= Can I hold your hand?
= Does it bother you if I smoke?
= Am I attractive to you?

And it isn't just these questions. it is these questions on repeat. I'll answer them and minutes later she'll ask me again just in case I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about.

And that hasn't even happened yet. This is just all my freight and expectations. I almost wish I could tell her to turn the fuck around and go home but I already gave my word that she could come over and watch a movie.

But she came over and the moments her mom's car was out of sight, she said that she wanted me to get her a pack of cigarettes because they didn't take her county ID card. I hate doing that shit for certain people and she was just in the car with her mom. They could have gotten it before they came to the apartment. I was pissed. I really wanted to relax and watch my movies. But I caved in ( as fucking usual ) and we walk to 7/11 so I can buy her her smokes and we walked back and the entire way, she tried to hold my hand. I'm not the holding hands kind of guy. Especially when I'm pissed. Before I was annoyed but annoyed evolved to pissed. When I am pissed nothing goes anyone else's way.

But on the way back to the apartment, her cell phone rings and it is this guy named Matt that she talks to every night. He sounds like a psycho for two reasons. One reason is because she calls him a psycho and the second reason is because he calls like every 5 minutes just to check if she is cheating. I asked her if she is dating the guy because if she was I wouldn't even allow myself to be that other guy ... but when she say his name on the phone, she looked at me and said in a semi-ignorant tone to be quiet. I was pissed. But I didn't give two shits. I really wanted to watch the movies I got. So it was silence from me as she argues to her boyfriend or whatever ( yeah, I put two and two together from this phone conversation) because I just wanted to get home. In matter of fact, I started to imagine the movie I wanted to watch and before I got to the front porch I knew I was gonna put in 'THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL'. But that was just me trying to push back the feeling of feeling like I was being hidden by her. That she was hiding my existence from him. I felt like the Hidden Black Friend. The one you don't let anyone know about publically.

I pushed the thoughts away with images of Keanu Reeves in a black suit with powers and a simple expression of intellectual studying while he tries to save the world.

When she was done with her phone conversation, I told her not to talk on the phone when we were watching the movie. So we go in and sure enough in 5 minutes, he calls back and she gives him some sort of bullshit line that she is at Taco Bell. I hear him on the phone accusing her and talking mean and the like. I didn't like how he was talking to her. And worst of all, the movie already started and I was getting really into it until he decided to call. Another few minutes of them arguing on the phone and then she closes it. I tell her that if she is gonna do that that she should go home. And then the questions get fired off.

= Do you hate me?
= What did I do?
= I'm sorry. ( I know ... not a question but it was said on repeat like 15 times )

I kept telling her that all I really want to do is watch this movie. And then after 5 minutes of me saying that ... the previous questions like the first set posted above were being asked on repeat mixed in with movie questions like:

= Is he human?
= The world is gonna end isn't it?
= Is that lady that kid's mother?

Seriously, at wit's end ... and then guess what? Matt calls again and she talks right there ... while I'm watching the movie. I was beyond pissed now. But I did my best to control myself.

When she was done arguing with Matt, I said this ...

= If you are gonna be here for this movie, I want your phone off. Mostly because I didn't want Matt calling again.
= I'm gonna call your mom and your sister to tell them that your phone died. She said to matt that she had one bar left so i just assumed it was going to die eventually.
= No more meaningless questions. Just movie time ... please

She looked kind of scared that I stood up like that and to tell you the truth, I was kind of getting beyond the level of pissed so I was getting worried of how loud I was getting. But she seemed to agree to the terms but not even 2 minutes into the thing, more questions came out.

= I don't understand why you are mad at me.
= Can I call him back?
= I'm sorry.

I looked at her at the last statement and asked if she wanted to go home. She looked at me and nodded. I paused the movie and gave her my phone to call her mom. When her mom and her sister's girlfriend came to the door they said that she didn't sound happy on the phone. They asked me if I hit her. I told them no. It didn't matter whatever I said anyways. I can tell from their eyes that they already made up their mind. I tried to explain to them the situation on what happened that night but they walked just right past me into the apartment. They commented on the fact the lights were off. I told them I was watching a movie and I hate lights on during a movie. They didn't hear ... or more logically they didn't care. They got her and they left without a word to me. Not a single word.

I knew they expected the worst. I didn't care. I was relieved to have her gone and I could continue my movie. Get to relaxing, finally.

But soon, 15 minutes unto my relaxing, I realized I a new voicemail. I had my phone on silent and I would only look at it at low parts of the movie. I paused the movie and checked my voicemail. It was Kayla's sister, Mel and I could tell it was a bitch session so I saved it for later. Maybe I'll have to refer back to it if things got serious.

And sure enough ... a few minutes past and my phone silently rings showing Kayla's House number. At first I ignore it and a voicemail was left. I wanted to check to see if it was an apology from the family for treating me like a convict when I've given them nothing but respect and understanding. Obviously my first mistake was to expect anything. My second mistake was to expecting something good.

It was Kayla's mom telling me to never call or contact Kayla again. At first, I was alright with it but then I realize that I didn't want them to think that I did anything like rape her or beat her ( her last boyfriend did ). So I called back and I got her and I tried to explain to her the situation.

"Well, Nicolas I know these kind of situations and with the lights out in your apartment and the fact that you are a guy, I have to believe my daughter over whatever you said." And I am thinking to myself, 'WTF Did she say I did' ... which was followed by my lips allowing the thought into words.

"She hasn't said anything Nicolas but she is upset and I doubt that she is upset because you were mad about cigarettes and her phone ringing."

FML.

The Order of Business

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:39:04 GMT

First Order Of Business:
I took some new pictures. :) I figured that I would share some of my sexy impersonation

Second Order of Business:
Kayla was suppose to come and party on Tuesday. She bailed.
She was suppose to come on Wednesday ... guess who didn't text me back last night ...

Who is the stupid idiot? Me? For believing in that anyone would have any interest in me. I hate it when I break my number one rule. Don't trust anyone.

Last Order of Business:
Kay is pregnant. She called me when I spent the weekend with Donna and V. I got a messege saying I should call her back and when I did, she told me that she was. :(

I know I should be happy for her ... but ... I didn't want her to be that woman that becomes a mommy before she is even old enough to go drinking. It is sad. But I love Kay. Like friendship love but nothing than important then true love.

I am just ... heartbroken that she fell into that category. But I'll love her and her new addition to the world to death.

Time for a Change

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:58:17 GMT

Lately, I've been feeling out of contact with the world. I mean, I'm putting aside my minor hiatus from Xanga, I've really haven't been as spontaneous as I used to be about encounting people randomly or just about trying to expand my contacts or web of network through Clarion.

I keep telling myself that I'm gonna leave the Clarion county and go towards bigger and better environments. Perferably a city. Maybe it is because of Megan or my past or whatever but I want to go to Pittsburgh. I want to move bad but at the same time ... I haven't set anything up yet. And I suppose that there is a part of me is concerned of another move to another place.

But that isn't like me. That isn't like me at all to be this ... this way. In matter of fact, I'm in the computer lab and I see this attractive girl walking past the window. The old me would have jumped up and introduced myself regardless of how it would look.

Am I being less reckless or more cowardly? Am I using reasoning? I mean, it is days/hours until everyone on campus that I might have known about is gone to their respective homes. And then I should leave myself, right? I should move on. V, Z, Jim, anyone who was left from my time in Clarion that I still keep in contact with will be gone. Graduated. Transferring. Moving on.

Then isn't it time for me to do the same? Then what is taking me so long? Why haven't I made any moves? What is holding me back from working a network towards Pittsburgh? Because right now, I'll need more than just potentially Megan R to get me to Point B.

But for some reason, I cannot/have not been able to do that in quiet some time. Hell, I've been in the same apartment buidling, staying with the same group of people for the last week and a half. Usually, by now, I would have had a few things accomplished and done and moved around to 3 different locations. This isn't stablity. It is laziness. Inactive productivity.

Simply, I am just getting more and more disappointed in myself. Becoming more and more angry at everything. At everyone. Anger that was directed at my inwardly is now starting to overflow. Break the seems of me.

I am trying to remember ... does this happen every Spring?

A Piece Falls Down ...

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:52:23 GMT

Stephanie called my cell today. You might remember Stephanie from the video [VIDO LINK] that a very few of you actually got around to seeing. Don't worry, it's on my youtube account too [HERE] ... in case you thought Xanga's Media Player sucks or something ...

I completely forgot that she had my number. I didn't recongized the number at first but as I do with all numbers I don't recognized ... I pretended I knew the caller into I was able to slide the pieces into place. When I realized it was Stephanie, I jumped out to the balcony. Maybe my mind was trying to tell me to jump off before the hurt set in.

While out there, I realize that she misses me dearly ... but she had sex with 8 different people since we parted ways. Who doesn't want to hear that about a girl they like, right? :(

She asked what was up and I told her about the cyst and my anger issues. She said I should try to not get myself into so much trouble. I asked her to stop doing drugs. Awkward silence. Good thing too because if she said anything, it would be 'do you hear that? it sounds simular to someone punching the railing of a balcony'. But since she didn't say that ... I'm guessing that she didn't hear it.

Eventually, we lost service and that was a bittersweet moment for me. I went back inside and tried to watch a movie but was too upset to really get into it. I wanted to talk to someone ... anyone about it but anyone I knew that would give two craps didn't want to answer their phones. My luck keeps getting better and better. I wanted to fall off the balcony ... just to feel something else. To release some of the anger and frustration. But ... I decided to come to a computer lab instead.

I cannot wait for my anger management classes to start. I just hope that I can barely keep things together until then. Yes, I meant what I said.

The Real Shallow V.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 01:41:00 GMT

Last night, V invited me over to watch Sex in the City with her since my room barly had anything entertaining in it. That and she doesn't like to drink alone. Those are my assumptions anyways.

But she wasn't interested in the movie. She wanted to talk. A few nights ago, she confessed an obsession she has with her boyfriend's ex. Not a normal obsession. One of those crazy movie obsession that goes over the line. I knew David's ex but the whole memory didn't come to me at the time. It took time to remember her from back in the day when I was dating Amanda.

But her obsession involved virtual stalking on facebook and myspace and mental comparison on a crazy level. Comparing physical appearance and behavior and habits. Even trying to alter herself to be better than her.

Creepy stuff, right?

Anyways, Dave calls and she is all lovey dovey with him on the phone and to me, it seems so fake. Mostly because I know that when she goes out in Clarion, she has casual sex with whoever she can manage to when she goes out to the clubs or parties or whatever. Granted, Dave is in basic training, doing that just because David is gone or not around is just ... wrong. She did that stuff before he went to basic. He lived away from Clarion so ... well, you get the idea.

And David is kind of whipped. Calling her last night three times with the whole lovey dovey mentality. And after he would hang up, she would be like 'do you think that david is cheating on me?'

What the fuck, right? But I am used to people's stupidity. I usually just let it be.

We attempted to watch the movie but we were drinking and I was getting tired and she was getting wordy. Saying that the women in Sex in the City were ugly and asking why would anyone want to marry someone who is ugly. I tried to tell her that when people are in love, their looks and status doesn't matter. It is them that they are in love with.

She didn't get it. She wanted someone who was well off, attractive, and wealthy. Above anything else, she didn't really care. She also believed that she was allowed to have sex with others in a relationship but her husband couldn't. I didn't understand it and trying to hurt my head.

I told her that I was the kind of person that when I cared about someone in the past that it was all them. Not what they were but who they were. Then she said it was ridiculous. Then somehow we started talking about David's ex's friend, Grace who happens to be a friend of mine. She said that she wouldn't talk to Grace because of her weight.That talking to someone who was ugly and unattractive was beneath her.

That was when I had enough and left. But left knowing what V really is. A clearer version of her shallow mind and the demons that keep her company. I've meet some shady and currupt people in my time but V was something else. Last night, when I fell asleep, I was glad to know that V was leaving the country in less than a week. I won't have to deal with her much longer.

When My Stomach Leads ...

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 16:32:00 GMT

Venus came into my room with a package of chocolate. I suppose that she figured I was mad at her.

I was watching Sex in the City and took the chocolate with a smile.

I don't know what it is but I guess we are friends again. Damn my stomach.

The Worst Thing For A Parent

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 23:42:00 GMT

I was eating with V's sponsor's for the second night in a row and it was nice. Because of the last post, I felt motivated and I was in the zone for work so I wanted to finish eating and return back to the room. But I manage to keep conversation all the way up to dessert.

But then somehow it was just Donna and me again. And she was telling me about her daughter that died in a car accident. She was telling me the story because I happen to be staying in her daughter's old room and her daughter had a colored friends back in the day named CJ. He died before she did but they were close.

Then she asked me if I ever kept in touch with my real parents. I replied that I didn't keep in touch with them. Then she told me that losing her daughter was one of the hardest things she had to experience. But at least she knew what happened to her daughter. She knows where she is ... in a sense. My parents have no idea where I am. What I am doing? What I have been up to?

For a moment, I felt bad. I mean, to think that they are actually worried about me. Scared about what might have become of me. Their imagination running wild about me body being in some ditch or buried alive or burned on a cross or something. Probably worried sick.

But the reality set in. They weren't worried about me. They know that I am alive. Hell, they probably know that I've just been trying to avoid them all this time. And to tell you the truth, I much rather be dead in their mind then the son that they have to bail out and be disappointed in.

Even though I was sad about being gone from their lives, I felt more determined not to see them again ... until I knew that I made something of myself. No matter how long it would take.